The Urukhai Barbeque
by Azellica
Summary: Some people hate elves. They say the're smug and know-it-alls. Anyways this is an alternate ending fot LOTR. Where the elves don't sail to the Undying lands but are hindered on their way to Aragorn's coronation. My Dad who hates elves inspired me.
1. Looks like meats back on the menu boys!

It was a peaceful day. Sunlight filtered through the trees. Signs of spring were everywhere; plants poked through the layer of leaves on the ground and birds sang in the woods. The threat of Sauron was gone. He was defeated. The King had returned to Gondor and the free peoples of Middle-Earth had peace.

Arwen and her household were traveling to Gondor. There she was to be married to Aragorn; the love of her life. Everything she had hoped for had come true. They had just left the fair woods of Lothlorien and following the house of Elrond was a company from Lorien including Galadriel and Celeborn.

The brown lands were now filled with spring's renewal. The dry dead grass was turning green and flower buds sprang from the earth in memory of the entwives gardens. The land welcomed the elves. The sun glanced upon the snowy peaks of the Misty Mountains and far away illuminated the green fields of Rohan.

Arwen's heart was brimming with joy. With spring had come the end of Sauron's power. Soon the taint of evil would be washed away by time and she would live happily ever after.

Suddenly her horse's ears pricked back. The birds had stopped singing. Elrond rode up beside her glancing around with his keen elf eyes.

"I sense an evil presence in these lands." he said.

"It may be orcs fleeing to the mountains." Galadriel said. "They have gone in all directions since the fall of the Dark Lord."

Arwen peered around the landscape, her bright eyes watching the horizon. She felt the stillness of the earth. As if the whole world was holding it's breath. Behind her many of the Galadrim drew out their long bows of mallorn and fitted them with arrows.

A cloud passed over the sun, dimming the land.

Suddenly a hoarse cry sounded out behind them.

"Looks like meats back on the menu boys!" The Isengard theme came in and the ground shook with the tramping of iron-shod orcs.

Ugluk stormed though the trees leading about a hundred Uruk-hai. Arwen screamed and drew her sword. The elves drew pulled the bowstrings back and took aim,

"Hold fire." commanded Galadriel. "Let me handle this." She tossed her golden hair over her shoulders and stood up with perfect balance on the back of her white horse. She faced the Uruks and then mercilessly subjected them to; the Galadriel eyes.

"You bring great evil here Uruk." She said to Ugluk. He in return bared his rotting teeth at her.

"Behold Nenya! One of the three Elvin rings. I command it. Therefore I command you."

"And I." Said Elrond slowly trying to stand on his horse's back. "Command Vilya."

Arwen rolled her eyes.

Ugluk drew out his crossbow with a sickening smile on his ugly face. Galadriel and Elrond's horses bolted in terror and both elves fell to the ground.

Ugluk issued a command and before the elves knew it they were surrounded by Uruks. Grishnakh and his band of Mordor orcs suddenly came out of the woods shouting foul words which at first Arwen thought were in the Black Speech, but after listening closer she heard the chant was in the common tongue. The orcs came closer and closer to the elves yelling in their foul voices the words "Barbeque. Barbeque. Barbeque." It became clear to Arwen Evenstar what the intention of the orcs was.


	2. Galadriel vs Grishnakh

Aragorn was standing in one of Minas Tirith's white balconys. He surveyed his realm below. Anduin twisted through the Pelennor Fields and flowed on to the sea. In the distance, the jagged line of the Ephel Duath lay. It was no longer shadowed by ominous black clouds. Sunlight now poured freely onto the Plains of Gorgoroth.

Legolas approached and sniffed the air looking troubled.

"What is it?" Aragorn asked the elf.

"I know not. The wind that blows the smell of the sea from the south now comes from the north. It smells as if a great burning is taking place there." Legolas turned his eyes to the northern boundary of Gondor. "Look!" he cried. "A great cloud of smoke arises in the distance. The wind sweeps it away south to us."

Aragorn saw a smudge of black smoke on the horizon. "It may be some mischievous orcs. I hope they are not burning any wood from Lothlorien."

"Nay Aragorn, the Lady Galadriel would never allow them to do such a thing."

"I have had tidings though that she and many of her household are traveling to Minas Tirith. Lorien may be unprotected."

"I doubt she would leave her land open to the orc's plundering. I imagine the fire is in the woods by Tol Brandir."

Merry and Pippin came up behind them. "Is someone having a barbeque?" Pippin asked.

"Fire!" cried Celeborn. Arrows flew into the air at the approaching enemy. They bounced harmlessly off the heavy metal shields carried by the Uruks who we coming closer and closer.

"Fire again." He yelled. The elves released even more arrows but it was useless. The Galadrim were used to shooting their enemies down from trees they weren't trained for open field combat.

The orcs suddenly sprang forward and soon all the elves were tied together with dirty rope. Arwen was sitting miserably on the ground squished between her father and grandmother.

"I will not endure you foul creatures." Galadriel told Grishnakh. "I am warning you, this is your last chance. Release us now or face the consequences."

"What consequences?" Grishnakh sneered. "You seem unable to do anything right now."

Galadriel stared hard into his face. She pierced his blood-shot eyes with her bright blue ones. "I know what you desire Orc." She said softly. "Now that your master is gone I can help you. Release us and I will give you my ring. You can become even more powerful than Sauron ever was with it. You could become the most powerful dark lord ever to set foot in Middle-Earth."

"Ha!" Grishnakh spat at her. "I'll have your magic ring in the end anyways." He smiled gesturing to orcs who were stacking faggots of wood in a pile."

"Father." Arwen whispered. "Is there any hope of escape?"

"I do not know." Elrond said. "Hope comes unlooked for in the direst situations. It is an evil chance that has befallen us, but perhaps we shall live to see it through. A chance may come, or it may not. We must accept the situation we find ourselves in and adapt to it as best we can."

"Why can't you ever answer yes or no?" Arwen muttered under her breath.


	3. Gollum's homemade barbeque sauce

Things were beginning to look hopeless. A huge rusty iron grill had been dragged out from the woods, pulled by many cave trolls. A pit had been dug and was filled with wood and charcoal briquettes. A small orc was running around spraying the hole with lighter fluid. Large picnic tables were set up with black table clothes. Some of the orcs had managed to make menus with choices such as High Elf Flambé and Silven Steak.

Arwen and the elves were starting to feel very uncomfortable with the situation they were in.

Suddenly a small skinny creature leapt out of the woods crying. "We has barbeques sauces preciousssssssssssss." It was Gollum pulling a cart full of bottles of barbeque sauce. "Yes, yes." He cried. "We shall roast the nassssty elveses."

The grill had been placed over the pit and Uglûk came running up holding a torch. The orcs gathered around, cheering and licking their lips. Uglûk tossed the torch on to the wood and with a roar, a huge fire sprang up. Then Moria orcs ran up and began to dance around the flames, chanting and casting ominous looks at the elves. Grishnahk got carried away and began to spray Galadriel with mustard.

"You're ruining my nice white gown you horrible mutant!"

"Whose first?" Uglûk shouted.

"The know-it-all one!"

"The wannabe queen one!"

"The one that spat at me!"

The orcs finally agreed that the know-it-all one (Galadriel) who was covered in mustard should be thrown in first.

Aragorn, being troubled by premonitions had looked into the palantir or Isengard and was very upset about what he had seen.

"How dare they roast my girlfriend and not invite me!" He complained to Gandalf. "I mean I'm the one who's had to put up with her all these years! If anyone was to cast her into a bonfire, it should be me."

"Well," Gandalf replied. "Let's go join them. I for one would dearly love to see Galadriel finally put in her place. She's always gloating about how she came from Aman and survived the wars with Morgoth."

Aragorn as well as many others mounted their horses and rode north. The hobbits were coming too, as well as Legolas and Gimli. Poor Legolas was completely unaware that Gimli intended to toss him on to the grill as soon as they arrived.

Galadriel was untied from the rest of the elves and was held over the flames by a cave troll.

"Throw her in. Throw her in." The orcs chanted.

"Throw her in. Throw her in" muttered Celeborn under his breath.

"She's your wife!" exclaimed Arwen. "You WANT her to be barbequed?"

"She's always bragging or nagging me." replied Celeborn. "I've been waiting for something like this to happen for thousands of years."

"Wait!" cried Gollum. "What about my homemade barbeque sauce?"

Galadriel was dunked into a huge bowl of Gollum's homemade barbeque sauce and was lifted once again over the fire. Her nice white gown was now a funny red colour and she was very upset.

"Put me down this instant you foul creatures! Or ... or I'll sue you!"

The orcs began to count down from 10.

"10 ... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4..."

Galadriel began to scream. Everyone was watching. Celeborn began to count too, laughing at his wife dangling over the fire with barbeque sauce dripping from her dress.

"3... 2... 1!"

A/N- please review! I'll try to finish a chapter more often. Tell me if this start to get to gory.


	4. Aragorn joins the party

Coincidently, just as the cave troll was about to drop Galadriel onto the grill, Aragorn and Company came riding into the scene.

"Aragorn." Arwen sighed in relief. "Help us!"

The orcs drew their long scimitars, unsure what to do.

"Wait!" cried Aragorn. "We've come to join you, if you don't mind. I brought beer."

"Pull up a chair!" roared Uglûk apparently pleased at the turn out for his barbeque. "There is plenty to spare."

The Fellowship of the Ring as well as many others gathered around the fire and much to Galadriel's distress, the orcs began their countdown again.

"10... 9 ..."

"Aragorn!" cried Galadriel. "Help me! You owe me! I gave you that nice cloak."

Aragorn answered by throwing the nice cloak into the flames.

"8... 7 ..."

"Hurry preciousssssssss. We are hungry." said Gollum licking his lips.

"6... 5 ..."

"Aragorn! Please stop them!" pleaded Galadriel.

"4... 3..."

"Mithrandir. Won't you help?"

"Yes." said Gandalf, his eyes twinkling. "I'll help myself to the first slice."

"2... 1!"

Galadriel was dropped and immediately engulfed in flames. Celeborn began to cheer. The smell of Gollum's barbeque sauce drifted out from the fire and everyone hurried to make a line.

Meanwhile Legolas was standing beside the fire talking to Gimli.

"Perhaps we should move away from the fire." Legolas said. "I don't want to risk the heat drying out my nice hair. After all, I just had it straitened this morning and it would be tragic if it began to smell like smoke"

"Yes." agreed Gimli. "A tragedy."

Legolas turned away to examine his nails and at that moment Gimli grabbed a bottle of Gollum's homemade barbeque sauce and dumped it on Legolas's perfectly styled locks.

"Hey!" shouted Legolas. "What did you do that for? I spent four hours primping it this morning!"

"So sorry!" said Gimli smiling as he stuck out his foot and tripped Legolas so he fell head first into the fire. His beautiful hair singed until it was no more.

Gimli ran to the end of the buffet line. "I'll take a wood elf burger." He told an orc.

The rest of the elves were still tied up waiting for the first course to be finished. When Galadriel and Legolas were no more, Uglûk stood up on a chair facing the elves.

"Eeny, meeny, miney, moe, catch an elfy by his toe, if he hollers ... BARBEQUE HIM!" He screeched pointing to Elrond.


	5. Elrond salad and Silven steak

Elrond was next. A handful of Uruk-hai ran over to untie him. Then Gollum made sure he was coated in barbeque sauce.

"Release me!" Elrond cried. "I have done nothing against you! Please Aragorn! Take Arwen instead! She's younger and juicier!"

"Father!" Arwen exclaimed. "How could you?"

"How should we cook him boys?" Uglûk asked the orcs.

"Medium-rare!"

"Well-done!"

"Boil him in a pot!"

"I likes it r-r-r-raw and wiggling." cried Gollum.

"Put him on a spit!" suggested one orc.

Everyone liked that idea. So Elrond was tied to a large thick rusty spit. Merry and Pippin were given the special task of turning the spit around slowly so that Elrond was evenly cooked.

When Elrond was done, Grishnahk wanted to make a salad! So the Uruks found a large bowl and soon Elrond had been diced into what Uglûk called 'Elrond bits.' Croutons and other salad necessities were added and everyone lined up for salad.

"Father!" wailed Arwen as she chewed a large portion of 'salad' that Aragorn had given her. The orcs were now sharing their food with elves because Gandalf had complained that the elves were to skinny and everyone agreed that they should be fattened up.

Sam was busy making chips out of taters and Gollum was brewing a new flavor of barbeque sauce (vinegar based). More wood was thrown on the fire and Merry and Pippin, who had too much to drink, began singing and dancing on the tables. The orcs began to sing along. It was a song that dear old Bilbo would have recognized from one of his own adventures.

_Bake and toast 'em, fry and roast 'em..._

Then the orcs decided it was time to make Silven Steak. Celeborn and many of the Lothlorien elves were untied and dunked in barbeque sauce. As they were being cooked medium-rare, Sam served up his chips which were a huge success. The orcs dipped them in Gollum's new honey mustard barbeque sauce while they waited for the steaks.

When the steaks were finished, almost everyone was full. Frodo and Sam felt like they could burst; Sam almost did.

"You know Mr. Frodo," Sam was saying. "I didn't think I'd like foreign food but this Elvish stuff ain't all that bad."

Arwen, by this time, was feeling a bit vulnerable, as she was the only elf left. Everyone seemed to be full so she thought she would be safe (until breakfast at least.)

Suddenly Pippin piped up "What about desert?"

A/N- Ok this is getting kind of gory. Sorry about that. I actually think this is funny though...


	6. Undomiel pie

"Yeah, what about desert?" one of the Moria orcs asked.

"There ain't any elves left!" said Ulgûk.

"My girlfriend is still there!" Aragorn exclaimed. "Let's eat her."

"How should we cook her?" Grishnahk asked the crowd.

"Flambé her!"

"Put 'er in a cake!"

"Make 'er into fondue!"

"Make a pie out of her!"

The last idea was accepted by all. A huge pie pan was brought out of the woods and the orcs began to make dough for the crust.

"Aragorn!" cried Arwen. "How can you do this to me? We are supposed to be married in a few days."

"Well," said Aragorn looking slightly uncomfortable. "I guess I'm just hungry."

"Hungry? You just ate all my kin."

"Yes, but they're so skinny and I had to share them with a lot of other people."

In a few minutes, the pie crust was complete. Arwen was dragged into the pie and smothered in a fruity pie filling that Grishnahk had concocted. Two cave trolls placed the crust over top of Arwen, muffling her screams, and lifted the pie up to place in the coals.

"Wait!" cried Aragorn. "Before you cook her, I call dibs on the first slice!"

The gigantic pie was put on the coals, and everyone chatted with each other while waiting for the pie to bake.

"Of course," Merry was saying to Ulgûk. "We have no hard feelings against you capturing us. After all it turned out for the best. And it was so nice of you to let us join your barbeque."

"It was a stroke of luck running into these elves." Uglûk said. "I must say this barbeque turned out to be quite a success."

After a while, the pie was done. Aragorn served it up and there was enough for everybody. Everyone agreed the pie was an excellent ending to the barbeque. Uglûk and Grishnahk organized some games afterwards, but hide-and-go-seek wasn't much of a success since orcs can see in the dark.

It was getting late and everyone was tired and full. Aragorn and his company, after thanking the orcs for their hospitality, headed home to Gondor. The Uruk-hai were going to head north to Mirkwood to look for the elves that lived there. Grishnahk was going to lead the remaining orcs to Rivendell and then the Grey Havens.

The next morning, everyone was gone. It was a dark chapter in the history of Middle-Earth for some, others found it hilarious. Smoke still drifted out of the barbeque pit. The grass nearby was splattered with barbeque sauce and a giant pie plate was still lying on the ground. The end of the elves had brought friendship between the orcs and men of Middle-Earth. Yet those in Valinor still waited for their kin to come. The only tidings they had of what had befallen were a cloud of smoke rising in the distance and the smell of barbeque sauce drifting across the water.

A/N- ok it's the end. Sad, tragic and hilarious. I think the details got a little gruesome in some parts but o well. R and R.


End file.
